Posted on: August 17, 2009 8:54 pm
On Magic Johnson's fiftieth anniversary a secret CIA document was made public for the first time. It states as follows:
CIA: Mr. President, a famous person just contracted HIV.
Bush: What criteria does he meet?
CIA: Well, he's not gay, and he doesn't inject drugs with needles, but he is a black man.
Bush: Your third fact makes this a little more difficult, but because he passes two of the three criteria I say give him the cure. But swear him to secracy and make him promise never to play basketball again.
CIA: To hear is to obey.
Posted on: June 14, 2009 6:19 pm
I am really upset with the national media and its lack of Favre coverage. One article a day is not nearly enough. This is a story that everyone loves and needs to hear.
I feel that sportswriters are being lazy so I thought I should give them some ideas to follow.
First, I want daily reports from Brett's doctor, his agent, and Minnesota management. So much can happen between one article and the next and I believe the public are missing out. Since I am sure that Brett and his agent are in daily contact with the Vikings we should be privy to these encounters as well.
Secondly, I want TV coverage of every rehab session and practice session at the high school. There should be an ESPN film crew permanently on location in Hattiesburg. If he plays catch with his kid in the back yard I want a camera man in a tree giving us the overhead angle. Another guy can be in the bushes for the on field angle.
I want one candid interview with Favre a day. Chris Mortensen gave this to us last year and every fan appreciated it. I know Brett will give the media the access, so what are they waiting for?
I want a radar detector documenting the speed of his fastballs and changeups. That way we can gauge his level of recovery on a daily basis.
I want HBO to make this season's Hard Knocks show a reality show involving Brett and his family. Seriously, who produces this show? Does HBO really think Chad Ochocinco and the Bengals are a better soap opera than this?
I think every newspaper in the country would be wise to devote a special section of their paper to the events surrounding Favre and the Vikings. They do this to preview the upcoming season and for the Superbowl, why is this any less important?
Topping the list, and I can’t stress enough the importance of this, I want visual evidence of every bowel movement he makes. I want a bulletin running under the screen on ESPN if it has corn in it. They should bring back Keith Olberman for this job exclusively.
I want to turn on Sportscenter tomorrow and hear him say “Last night Brett Favre produced two solid pieces of fecal matter. They were brown with a hint of green. I am happy to announce there were no floaters. I think I can speak for all of us at ESPN when I say that I am relieved that the taco diarrhea he experience yesterday is firmly behind him.”
I ask all sportswriters and sports TV channels everywhere to step up their game. This topic is the most important cultural event since the Kennedy assassination. We must treat it accordingly.